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Open the wardrobe door. Push past the gowns and the suits,

Past the furs and the overcoats, and you are there. There in Narnia.

Trigger warning however: it’s not at all like the Narnia in

“The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”. There’s no Aslan.

And it’s hardly Christian. Well, that’s not quite true.

Narnia’s sometimes Christian but not in a decent way,

More like what goes on in the toilets at Sunday School

Or Synagogue. And as for Sin it’s all agog for Muslims and Gurus –

There’s not a faith denied entry, no denomination excluded.

Narnia is actually wicked. Not in the least as C S Lewis imagined it.

Our world, the world in which we seem to exist, is actually

The negative of Narnia. Narnia is bright and happy.

Narnians experience no guilt – or only such guilt as enhances

The pleasures available there. It’s inhabited by people who do naughty,

Dirty things to each other. Things we couldn’t possibly approve of,

Our side of the wardrobe. But their side of the wardrobe,

They do those naughty, dirty things all day. Children and nymphets,

Cocky boys and adolescent gals, those just out of their teens,

Strapping thugs and their molls, and then every other

Age group: milfs and dilfs, ancient men and women, they are all there,

Having fun together in illicit, filthy ways. A haven for ugly ones too

As well as beauties, and indeed they all seem to derive

Pleasure from combining age with youth, deformity with charm.

Everyone earns good money there, through prostitution and pornography.

Amputees are welcome, since there are plenty who get off

On them. And no one minds in the least if you happen to be a slut

Or a nymphomaniac. Because in Narnia it’s all free use.

No one there is a victim, unless of course their kink is to be victimised.

Everyone breathing the sunlit air of Narnia’s bedroom atmosphere

Is dedicated to pleasure. Hinting at how needy you are is a trait

Appreciated by the wealthy: being well-off is a bonus welcome to

The skint. Here are the kids sent off to Satanic cults,

Groomed by their uncles or spirited into Narnia

From orphanages; sons abused by mothers, daughters

Who seduce their dads. They are all happy in Narnia, getting on with it,

Existing in a state of utter horniness and bliss. It is populated by

A lot of ex-cons of both sexes and people who have reputations

So shredded that they have nothing to lose. And if you grow

Too old to attract the paedophile who seduced you, don’t you worry:

You have a bright future ahead of you in the industry. Narnia

Is where aspirants emit gasps of joy as they are entertained

By superstars or by Royalty, and, believe you me,

Narnia is a popular place to be. The number one destination

On any tourist map. Nor is it that far away from where we are,

Shaking our heads in dismay, disapproving of what goes on there.

The truth is there has always been a two-way traffic between

Its world and ours. The wardrobe happens to be a revolving door.